Erin Rocchio: Executive and Team Coach

Thrive. Lead. Impact.

2016: The Year of Big Emotions & Big Change

‘Tis the season for reflecting, on the year that’s been and the one that’s to come. 2016 has been a full and thrilling one for me personally (Hello, pregnancy!) and deeply challenging for so many of us all (Goodbye, icon after icon… sad face.).

Here are the biggest areas where I’ve seen business leaders struggle and thrive this year. May you find insight and hope in others’ journeys and take heart. We’re in this together.

  • Life Change – Navigating huge personal transitions and leading big business change.
  • Emotional Management – Managing strong emotions when they are intensely passionate about their vision/organization/project.
  • Team Leadership – Supporting growing teams while honoring personal needs for renewal, growth and sustainability.
  • Personal Well-being –Repair broken relationships with their own well being in a comprehensive, meaningful way. This theme underpinned the rest of these challenges.

Life Change

This year, my clients have recovered from cancer, moved parents into assisted living homes, faced new challenges raising special needs children, moved across the globe, lost spouses, and ended marriages. For each person, it’s taken all they had to withstand the pressures and intensity of these life transformations.

Unfortunately, their organizations demanded an equal, sometimes greater, intensity toward their contributions as leaders. These same individuals led multi-million dollar strategic investments and actively groomed the next generation of high-potential talent. They cared for their teammates and stood strong in the face of leadership vacuums. They managed global teams creating breakthrough innovations that will change the planet. Literally.

And they do this all on the same tank of fuel.

Sadly, these brave folks have been hammered by two storms: the one inside their own bodies/hearts/minds and the one inside their organization. With the exception of a notable few, they didn’t get much sympathy or support. Sometimes, their work colleagues didn’t even know what was going on, other than noticing the extra bags under their eyes and slower-than-normal response times.

My clients struggled to hold it all together – as we all do when we’re battling personal change and business change at the same time. I wonder, is this our new norm?

Emotional Management

Many of these talented leaders also spearheaded some vital and exciting new initiatives for their companies that they care deeply about. When they faced resistance and challenge, their frustration often leaked out in the form of defensiveness, irritation, or edginess, despite their best efforts to hide it under a mask of professional restraint. (These are the same folks dealing with loss, grief, trauma, recovery, and tectonic change.)

One can only hold so many big emotions at any given time. Passion takes up just as much weight as anger. So, what happens when someone pushes us too far? How do leaders hold it all, communicating genuinely and professionally at the same time? Even the best of us need occasional help learning to navigate these strong feelings, especially in the workplace.

Team Leadership:

In 2016, my clients were challenged by the capacity of the team beneath them. In order for the leaders themselves to grow, their teams would have to grow – as individuals and as a collective. Comprehensive team development, coaching, and mentoring, as well as managing personnel transitions can take exorbitant effort and focus.

Notice: does team leadership take up 80% of your headspace or calendar? Should it? Find the right allocation of time and energy for a focus on team growth: this will produce a strategic differential for you. For some of you, that may mean reducing the noise a dysfunctional team is demanding by making some hard decisions or critical investments. For others, that may mean significantly upping your focus on your people – thoughtful investments here provide serious ROI for your leadership down the road.

Personal Well-being:

As you take the next couple of weeks to reflect, take stock, and recharge, here is a framework from my partners at Yoke Consultancy that can support your thinking. To use it, score your level of satisfaction in each well-being category from 1-10. Add up your total score in the center circle.

From here, prioritize the category that you believe will make the biggest difference for you next year – be sure to factor in your personal values, leadership vision, and work/life goals.  Designing your work and life around the principles that matter most to you, the things that sustain and renew you, and the ideals you hold most dear, will set you up for the ultimate win: sustained performance and fulfillment.

When you’re ready to help make sense of it all, I would love to help you find your path (or stay true to it). Happy traveling, sojourners!

Model: © 2016 Yoke Consultancy Limited.

Enneagram: A Practical Path to Wisdom

“I don’t know if I can ever trust him again,” Lisa tells me during an extended coaching session recently, speaking about her tenuous relationship with her supervisor. “He yells and demands we hit our targets at any cost, even at the risk of losing relationships. I just don’t feel safe, like he won’t have my back anymore. That is really scary.”

Lisa, a regional operations leader for a public organization, began our coaching engagement with one goal: to learn what makes her guarded, defensive, and closed off at work. Most especially, she wanted to understand (and change) the negative impact this was having on the relationship with her military-trained C-level boss.

She also knew she had issues trusting her colleagues in the workplace and she saw how much it was holding her back. She missed out on close relationships, she wasn’t getting the results she wanted because others couldn’t connect or collaborate with her. She didn’t know what to do and she was stuck in her own fear.

How many of us can relate?

But, this begged the questions: Where did Lisa’s fear come from? And, why did her fear, which felt so personal and deep-seated, show up so prominently at work?

In executive coaching, we shy away from diving into an individual’s personal or childhood traumas, as this work should be explored with a clinical psychologist or therapist*. However, it is imperative that coaches skillfully address the unconscious patterns, beliefs, and contexts that shape a leader and drive his/her behavior – especially when it seems out of place or inappropriate to circumstance.

In my own growth and maturation process, I’ve spent thousands of dollars, decades, and abundant sweat and tears navigating experiential learning programs and various tools to help me understand myself. A handful of these experiences very seriously changed my life. Yet, as each layer of the onion peeled away, there I was –with the same underlying anxieties, hopes, needs, and fears. I couldn’t shake myself.

What I really needed was one, comprehensive system for making sense of all that was going on under the surface, and subsequently showing up in my behavior at work.

Enter the Enneagram… the queen of all personality systems.

The Enneagram is a robust personality typing system that traces back to ancient times, yet was scientifically validated in the early 2000s as a reliable personality indicator. The word enneagram comes from the Greek words ennea (“nine”) and gram (“something written or drawn”) and refers to the nine points on the Enneagram symbol. The nine different Enneagram types, identified as numbers One through Nine, reflect distinct habits of thinking, feeling, and behaving, with each type connected to a unique path of development. Each of us has only one place, or number, on the Enneagram. (I am a Type 3, with a 2 Wing, in case you’re curious.)

Out of all the tools, the leadership development experiences, or team development exercises I’ve ever seen, [envoke_twitter_link]the Enneagram continues to provide the most meaningful, holistic, and long-lasting wisdom for every business leader I work with.[/envoke_twitter_link]

Let’s revisit Lisa. In our coaching work together, Lisa discovered that her personality type, Enneagram Type Six, is anchored in loyalty: Sixes have a core need for security and a core fear of being unable to survive without support. This creates emotional and thought patterns devoted to seeking certainty and security, often through ultra responsible activities and worst-case scenario planning.

As Lisa discovered how these patterns of needs and fears played out in her work relationships, she realized two things: (1) it was safe and okay to look her fear in the eyes and examine where it was productive/unproductive, and (2) maybe her colleagues weren’t out to get her after all.

While our Enneagram type (or hardwiring) never leaves us, as we grow more aware of how deeply it directs our lives, we begin to experience some freedom from its grips. We get to choose how we respond to life’s circumstances instead of our instinctual reactions choosing for us.

In Lisa’s case, she began to feel more comfortable reaching out for genuine connections, building trust with her peers, and most importantly, having courageous conversations with her boss to feel empowered and aligned in her leadership role. She even invited him over to her home for a family dinner and they spent time getting to know one another – as parents, friends, siblings, children of aging parents. She told me later she gained tremendous appreciation for him based on this experience, specifically his approach to parenting and prioritizing his family.

This shit works.

I know because after reconnecting with various clients over the years, they tell me they are still using the Enneagram to develop themselves, or with their spouses to improve their marriages, or with their teams to build healthy team cultures.

In my own experience, the Enneagram has left me with this:

  • Immense compassion for myself and others (versus judgment)
  • Connection with anyone on the planet (underneath it all, we’re vastly diverse and yet remarkably the same)
  • Energy and vitality where there was once stagnation

Today, I use the Enneagram with every leader I coach and every team I develop. I’ve built organizational cultures using the language and insights from this system. If you know the Enneagram would benefit you, your team, or your business (like I do), let’s have a conversation to explore how.

*Also, a great therapist or teacher is a must for anyone looking to “wake up,” in my humble opinion. Not even the best of us made it out of childhood unscathed (sorry). For personal recommendations on therapists, please email me: erin@erinrocchio.com.

Image: © 2016 The Enneagram In Business

Self-Management 201: Two Questions For Every Leader

Some of you have been at this leadership business a long time. Some of you are just beginning. Some have one toe in and one toe out, skeptical about the promise you hear from executive coaches like me about what self-awareness, humanity, and honesty will give you in an oft harsh and unforgiving business climate.

I get it. I don’t have all of the answers. None of us do. Business is changing more rapidly, in more complex ways, across more diverse cultures, than ever before in human history. Our thought leaders are panting to keep up.

As we plow through the data for trends, best practices, and insights for leaders like you, here is what I can promise.

I promise that I will pass along great, powerful questions—questions that get you to think bigger, feel differently, and produce previously inaccessible results. In my experience, the questions you ask are much more important than the answers you find.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke

As I’ve worked with hundreds of business leaders across healthcare, private equity, energy, and technology industries, a pattern has emerged in question asking that I want to share with you. That is, I’ve noticed that there are two fundamental inquiries that benefit every leader, often over and over again:

  1. What do I need?
  2. What am I responsible for?

The first question, “What do I need?” creates space for genuine ways of working with others. It provides the fuel for healthy collaboration. When we’re aware of what we need to feel “whole,” we can appropriately meet our needs and communicate openly with others in a way that builds strong trust. We can show up fully charged and emotionally balanced. (Read: you can save yourself from the inevitable “too emotional, too late” outburst that goes hand in hand with being sacrificial beyond your boundaries.) Consider this question, private and self-compassionate, as critical preventative maintenance. This question alone will enable and sustain your best leadership performance.

And, it allows us to give to others from a genuine place—not because we have to, not because we want to get something in return, but because we are in good enough shape to give to our colleagues/organizations. We can support others from our natural energy source without sacrificing our own wellbeing, depleting stretched resources, or resenting those who didn’t ask it of us in the first place.

Leaders, until you know what your needs are—and how to meet them—you can’t effectively serve your people.

The question “What am I responsible for?” moves us from feeling stuck and defeated to being in charge of our circumstances. When we can own our behavior, mindset, and beliefs that contribute to a difficult situation or conflict, we can take powerful action. We can respond maturely instead of reacting as a victim. This moves us into a solution (and mental freedom, or psychic autonomy) more rapidly, the very thing we’re seeking all along.

Often, asking ourselves what we might be able to take responsibility for—even beyond the obvious—empowers a shift away from blame and into intentional choice. We all want to feel in control of our destiny. This inquiry allows you to claim it.

Needs = A hierarchy of human needs to survive, then thrive, within our environments.

Responsibility = Choosing accountability for all the ways we contribute to our external circumstances, productively and unproductively, intentionally or not.

You’ll often hear me say that self-awareness is just the first step on our path to transformative leading. The next and most misunderstood step to master is self-management. Let these two questions become your mantra and they will carry you far, both in coaching and beyond.

To your greatness…

Power and Women and Work

There is this thing. The majority of the women I coach say this thing is a problem. Yet we’d all rather not talk about it. I even have clients who have become engrossed in legal battles centered on it. It can be devastatingly painful and can interfere with our work: it’s real and important. And, like any societal ill, we are made better when we address it.

The “it” or thing I’m referring to here is the aftermath of an excruciating loss or fracture of relationship with another woman in the context of work we love.

Here’s my story: I joined my firm when it was quite small. One of the early employees was a woman my age and for whom I was a peer. I worked hard to win her over. She didn’t like me at first, given I was the boss’s kid and all. I proved how trustworthy I was, how collaborative, how fair. I made concessions to make her feel good. I proved my niceness. And it worked for a while.

We became close friends. Yet there was always an underlying competition. Slow exclusions, distancing, confusion, unspoken and spoken upset. The more time passed, the worse the comparisons became. God, it was hard.

There was always a subtle (or not so subtle) sense of imbalance. The foundation of the relationship was a power struggle, a dynamic that dictated I had to vigilantly put myself down around her or actively lift her esteem up. On work projects, she began disagreeing with my suggestions out of impulse, struggling to reorient the power. I grew distant. Neither of us understood what was happening. And I’m positive I messed up a million times. I did the best I could and I know I failed her.

I have since learned a theory called “Power Dead Even,” by Drs. Pat Heim and Susan Murphy, as outlined in their book, In The Company Of Women. It explains the entire rise and fall of this fated friendship.

Essentially, the theory argues that every female relationship is contingent on the perceived power of each woman – if the power is not felt to be even (or made even) right away, your best friend can become your worst saboteur. [envoke_twitter_link]Female relationships only work when the power is perceived to be dead even.[/envoke_twitter_link]

In rare cases, the perceived power gap can be too large, where no amount of “evening out” is possible and the relationship will not work. This hinges on the second component of the theory – self-esteem. The self-esteem of each woman has to be reasonably healthy for these partnerships to have a chance.

Recently, I coached a first-time executive navigating a highly sensitive, personal, and power-driven relationship in her organization. My client’s good friend brought her into the company and initially they worked wonderfully well together as peer colleagues. Then, my client was promoted to be the other woman’s boss. (Gasp.) Immediately, the other woman felt threatened, angry, and upset. In this case, there was a legitimate tipping of the power scales based on level of authority. What’s more, each woman was working through her own issues related to self-esteem (as we all are, right?).

Given this dynamic, one that included a legitimate power gap, the ideal choice would have been for my client and her friend to adjust to the complexities of this new reality by:

  • seeking to understand how they could maintain a healthy relationship, at the office and at home;
  • building self-awareness, reflection, and empathy for the other;
  • communicating openly about their emotions, hopes and intentions; and
  • creating new norms for their relationship in both contexts.

In boss/subordinate relationships at work, managing Power Dead Even can be tricky given the very real power differential. I have found that those require additional attention, as you seek to build the relationship (trust) and performance expectations (clarity). Communication and transparency here are everything, as are numerous other skills I’ll save for a future blog.

Another colleague of mine is brilliant at navigating female relationships at work. Her secret? Appreciation and honor. She is constantly attentive to showing respect and appreciation for other women – visibly and explicitly – so that they know she is on their side, and she means it. In other words, she actively gives power away (or empowers others) in service of a longer-term vision, based on her core value of partnership.

When we look through the frame of Power Dead Even, we become conscious of those we align with and how we set up female relationships for success, especially in the workplace. It tells us we must come in with a “power offering” of sorts – a compliment, a smile, a vulnerability – so that other women know we are not a threat, and that we’re putting connectedness above competition.

When we’re no longer a threat, we can create the most fulfilling, expansive experiences. But we have to be mindful of ourselves, aware of how others perceive us, and intentional about how we engage with others to put the relationship above the task. This is really difficult to get right, but we can certainly commit to trying.

Coach Questions:

To understand this dynamic in your female relationships, recall when you last felt really secure and happy with a friend or work colleague.

  • What made the relationship so fantastic for you?

Now, what was that one relationship that still tears at your heart? (C’mon, we all have one.)

  • What happened?
  • Does Power Dead Even illuminate anything for you about what could have been at play?

Next, think about the female relationships at home and at work that really matter to you – the ones who matter to your success, but with whom you may not have cracked the code.

  • What can you do now to even out the power dynamic so that the relationship goes more smoothly?
  • What can you do to improve your own self-esteem or sense of empowerment?
  • What tokens of power can you “give away” to her so as to even out the scale?

Psychic Autonomy

Psychic autonomy: to cut the mental cords that bind you so as to free up your capacity for new experiences, new relationships, and new insights;
the freedom to know yourself anew.

 

When I’m slowly watering my tomato plants in the early mornings, existential questions swirl around in the dewy periphery. I swear my vegetable garden knows the secrets of the universe. Lately, I’ve been asking it questions about freedom.

What does it mean to be free?

Free your mind of something?

Free to go toward something?

The greatest freedom, my tomatoes and I agree, is freedom within oneself. A type of freedom that takes place inside you, that breaks mental and energetic ties to some outside force that may otherwise dominate or constrict your life or work. [envoke_twitter_link]This is psychic autonomy: making room for your genuine, creative self to thrive.[/envoke_twitter_link]

Take Mark, for example, a leader I worked with many years ago. As the General Counsel for a growing healthcare technology firm, he was known for playing it safe. He performed fine in his role, but he wasn’t inspiring followership. Instead, his dispassion emanated through the organization with an overall malaise. He personified “meh.”

Deep inside, Mark was gripped by fear of his boss, the CEO. In budget season especially, his boss grew highly controlling, sending intense emails at all hours of the night, and generally creating an environment akin to a pressure cooker. Everyone, not just Mark, was terrified to fail or lose favor with the CEO. People complied, but they were not committed. And they were certainly not engaged or excited about going to work everyday.

Mark’s (and everyone else’s) best performance was tamped down by rampant control, demands, fear, and judgment. The organization lost (or diminished) way too much of its people’s potential. It, and they, could have been so much more. This is that outside dominant force.

“Conceptual creativity requires psychic freedom.” – John G. Young

In my own work life, I have felt that stranglehold of fear, compliance, and obligation. I know what it’s like to be disempowered, both self-inflicted and organization-inflicted. Being trapped or tamped down sucks your energy, passion and vitality right down the drain—the syllabus for Misery 101.

In an environment where we feel obligated or fearful, we drastically limit our creativity, our curiosity, and our impact. The organizations we are a part of lose out on our true talents. We become robotic and unnatural, stifled and generic.

Leader or not, I want your best self to shine. I want you to be free to share your creative genius. I want you to guide yourself and others with honesty, heart, and inspiration.

To do so, you must have mental freedom—psychic autonomy—to fail and know that it will be okay. You must have the mental space to let your mind wander and dream up wild possibilities without fear of retribution. You must know that your organization genuinely supports your wellbeing and self-expression. You have to feel that you don’t have to hide.

During the Holocaust, one of the very worst circumstances in recent history, Victor Frankl discovered that despite the literal horrors surrounding him, he was in control of his inner state. Only he could grant himself mental clarity, peace with his circumstances, and balanced emotions. That would remain in his charge. Psychic autonomy then, as Frankl so bravely and brilliantly reminds us, is an inside job. Each of us, regardless of how stifling our environment may be, has that choice.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  

– Victor Frankl

Here’s your opportunity:

  • Grant yourself some space. Notice where you are not feeling free, where obligation, duty, or fear reign. Ask yourself, “Where would a healthy dose of psychic autonomy enrich my life and my work?”
  • Grant people around you some space. Ask them what level of psychic autonomy they need to engage with you authentically. Give up the idea of controlling them and gain true commitment from your teammates. The more you let go of your attachments (to them/to an outcome), the more freedom you give others to find their own solutions, likely better ones, in service of your shared goals.
  • If you’re a business leader and feel stuck, disempowered, and a little hopeless in the quest for freedom, please reach out. Call me. Now is the perfect time to engage in executive coaching and find a powerful way out/forward. I promise to have your back, to support you in finding your own psychic autonomy in the area of your work-life that is most important to you.

When we have a sufficient level of mental capacity, we have the room to show up as our biggest, best selves. For you leaders out there, this is not just a fluffy idea, but rather a must-have for high-performance. Human potential is a gorgeous thing. Now let’s get out of our own way.

The Ladder: How We Get (Un)Stuck

A tool that I have found very powerful in helping unlock some of my client’s thinking, especially when they feel stuck in a negative mindset, is called the Ladder of Inference. It is a model created by Chris Argyris out of Harvard Business School and  it maps out our thought process from inception to action.

Here’s how it works:

  • Each one of us starts with data, all the information that could possibly exist.
  • From there, each brain filters out of necessity to function. There’s just too much information to digest. Our individual filters may be based on family, culture, values, etc.
  • Then, we add meaning: I like this/don’t, this is good/bad, he’s right/wrong, this is safe/unsafe, etc.
  • Next, we add assumptions about why that meaning is as such. We leap from data to inference about the intent behind someone’s actions, for example.
  • We quickly form conclusions about things always/never being that way.
  • We then develop fixed beliefs about people, events, places, ourselves, life, etc. that this is how things are.
  • Finally, we act based on those beliefs, which are at the top of the ladder, not from the actual data, which is at the bottom.

Most of the time, our travel “up the ladder” happens in the blink of an eye, unconsciously, and out of self-protection. [envoke_twitter_link]In order to have thriving personal and work relationships, we must be aware of – then take responsibility for – our path up the ladder of inference![/envoke_twitter_link]

Here’s an example:

  • Data: In first week of work, I was on conference call with a new teammate. She went straight into the business topic at hand.
  • Meaning: She doesn’t like me. She would have asked about how I’m doing, feeling, etc., if she did. Oh no!
  • Assumptions: I must be doing something wrong. She must be unfriendly.
  • Conclusions: I should avoid this colleague whenever possible. Never tackle a project with her because that clearly won’t work. We just won’t get along.
  • Beliefs: She is not a nice person in general. How could anyone like her?
  • Actions: I create distance, avoid sharing personal information, am closed off. I probably came across as a jerk!
  • TRUTH: She was stressed about missing a client deadline and wanted to do a really good job representing our team. It had nothing to do with me at all! And to think, I made all that up (went up the ladder) in the blink of an eye.

If you’d like to try this out for a minute, think of a recent time when you felt anxious, upset or ticked off. Write out your path:

  • What happened objectively, with no judgement?
  • What did you make that mean?
  • What assumptions did you attach to that meaning (or intention did you assign)?
  • What beliefs were confirmed or created?
  • Then, how did you act as a result of that?

Please share something you’ve learned about your thought patterns in the comments. I love learning from you, too!

The Art of Inquiry

Social constructionists will tell you that our words create our world. If our world is simply a function of our stories about it, then how we think and speak about our experiences holds the key to our ability to empower ourselves and influence others. Many leaders mistakenly assume that knowing the answers is their source of power. Quite the opposite.

Knowing the right questions to ask – then asking them – is the most powerful action a leader can take.

Framing up powerful questions, or what we’ll call the art of inquiry, that engage those around us in new ways of thinking often provides far more leverage for a leader than inserting their view as “the truth.”

Leaders are storytellers, crafting the vision of what can be, who we are and where we’ve been. They create the frame for the house we’re trying to build. The best leaders communicate brilliantly, yet often through asking more than telling. They dig deep to understand how organizations, markets, and systems work. They invite important stakeholders to share their stories on the “what” and the “why” that contribute to where we are. Through simple, yet poignant inquiry, leaders move us toward what’s possible. They also help us understand ourselves in profound ways, together and as individuals.

I believe that the portal from “what is” into “what might be” is inquiry, which opens into truthful dialogue. Dialogue is a deeper form of communication. It opens up what is most meaningful to us. It’s real talk about what really matters. This is a conversation of appreciation, deep listening, and candid sharing.

Dialogue enables us to speak about the stuff that counts: the meaning behind our lives and our actions. Leadership performance is not complete without anchoring it to an underlying sense of meaning. And inquiry takes us there.

So how does a leader begin to master inquiry? Great question. Look – you’re already doing it! [envoke_twitter_link]Inquiry begins with calling into question our assumptions and beliefs about why things are the way they are.[/envoke_twitter_link] This includes our own sense of self. Continually calling into question my motives, my needs, my stories connects me to the broader truth that my view is just one of many valid perspectives. Starting with myself also causes me to acknowledge how I have contributed, and still contribute, to the world outside myself. This acknowledgement is extremely powerful and will change your world.

When you develop a practice of inquiry into self, you can engage others with integrity about their unique stories. What do they see, feel, and believe about our collective experience? What is remarkable about the way things are, and what would make it even better?

Imagine what that level of curiosity and dialogue would do for your leadership, your team, your business. What would be possible?

I want to engage in that inquiry with you…[/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space height=”40px” image_repeat=”no-repeat”][/vc_column][/vc_row]

EQ: A Cheat Sheet

Emotional intelligence (or EQ) is the ability of an individual to recognize their own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.

It is made up of four dimensions:

  • Self-Awareness (emotional self-awareness, accurate self-assessment, self-confidence)
  • Self-Management (emotional self-control, transparency, adaptability, optimism, achievement, initiative)
  • Social Awareness (empathy, organizational awareness, service)
  • Relationship Management (inspirational leadership, influence, developing others, conflict management, collaboration)

Most leaders I’ve worked with are on the self-awareness bandwagon (good news for executive coaches everywhere!). Yet nearly everyone struggles with managing their emotions, particularly as strong feelings abound in high stress, high growth environments. I can relate – when you care deeply about your mission, invest your full energy and time towards seeing something through (often sacrificing sleep, fun or family), and you’re met with resistance, business can feel quite personal.

Please note: EQ does not equal suppression. Rather, it means you’re skilled at controlling intense emotions in the moment, expressing them in healthy ways.

Here’s an example of the the EQ struggle that I see a lot:

A client of mine was known for his high self-awareness and ability to build strong, collaborative relationships. However, he was also known to get visibly frustrated when meetings didn’t go his way or members of the team gave him difficult feedback. He would tense up, yell or shut down entirely at the drop of a hat. He would often apologize and clarify his commitments shortly after such an incident (self-aware), but he had a lot of room to grow in learning to manage himself. He hadn’t yet found the sweet spot between transparency and self-control so critical to high-EQ leadership.

It has been proven, over and over again, that emotional intelligence is not innate. These are all learned abilities, and each has a unique role to play in helping you – the leader – create a positive culture for your team and be more effective in what you already do. Since the ‘90’s research continues to prove that EQ more important than IQ towards overall performance and success. So, let’s get good at it!

When you look at the four domains of EQ, ponder this:

  • What do you consider a natural strength?
  • What is a capability you’d like to develop further?

More to come on each of the dimensions and nuances of EQ soon. It’s a deep ocean and we’re just getting our toes wet!

Renewal: Your Top Leadership Priority

At the incredibly overwhelming pace that we run our lives and businesses, sustaining our best self is both critical and extremely hard. And, here’s what I know – from research and from direct experience – the ability to lead your team well is highly dependent on your ability to renew yourself. In other words, self-care is no longer a nice to have, but a must have.

The link between a leader’s energy, presence, and performance is clear and proven.

Renewal is built on habits of mind, body, and behavior. This skill set is relevant in any field, especially among leaders who face emotionally and physically taxing challenges every day, day after day, year after year.

In Resonant Leadership, authors Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee say, “When leaders sacrifice too much for too long – and reap too little – they can become trapped in what we call the Sacrifice Syndrome. The constant small crises, heavy responsibilities, and perpetual need to influence people can be a heavy burden, so much so that we find ourselves trapped in the Sacrifice Syndrome and slip into internal disquiet, unrest, and distress.”1

This matches closely – too close for comfort – with my own experience of leading and working with leaders across the board. This is really hard work. Not only do you want to be great at the “what” of what you do (providing the best patient care, legal counsel, operational growth, etc.), you also give of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes spiritually to a vision or group of people that really matters to you.

Yet even though the demands on your time are great, self-care and renewal are unfortunately not optional: they are a key responsibility of all leaders to ensure against burn out. Not only that, a leader’s ability to continually renew his/her energy, mindset, and emotional equilibrium play a critical factor in the work environment s/he creates for others.

To be clear, we are either contributing to a positive, healthy, and thriving team culture, or we are feeding a dissonant, disengaged, unhealthy one.

An organization’s culture – “the way things get done around here,” or the values, norms and behaviors an organization prizes –  is highly correlated to a leader’s ability to renew and sustain him/herself, especially in times of stress (i.e., always!).

If we’re in Sacrifice Syndrome for too long, the results are not only harmful for our own health and well being, but also for our teams. As we go into an extended Sacrifice Syndrome and a crisis occurs, we no longer have the reserves to operate from our healthiest, most emotionally intelligent state of mind. We can become ineffective or unsustainable quickly. Our cognitive and decision making abilities diminish, our creative capacity to see all solutions shrinks, our collaboration and influence skills suffer. In essence, fight or flight mode becomes real and there is little we can do about it. This is also known as the “amygdala hijack”2 – it takes us clear out.

However, if we’re aware of and working to build in renewal all the time, through mindfulness, compassion, hope, and gratitude, we can generate the resonant relationships that help us lead at our best and build the positive cultures around us we all deeply want.

 

Renewal for Self = Positive Culture for your Team/Organization

This isn’t about work-life balance. Instead, it’s about all those big and small choices you make to keep your energy up, like resting when you need to rest, considering the conversations that “feed” your spirit and those that drain you, reducing the amount of “doing” and spending more time “being.” It’s about becoming ever more aware of all those small moments and choices that restore you, then doing them. The path to renewal will be personal to you. Please honor it.

If renewal became part of your job, what would you do differently?

What would an escape out of Sacrifice Syndrome make possible for your life, your team, your organization?

Quick: how can you replenish yourself right now?

 

 

 

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Resources:

  1. Boyatzis, R. & McKee, A. Resonant Leadership. Boston: Harvard Business School Publishing. 2005
  2. Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York: Bantam Books. 1995
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How Much You Lead (Without Even Knowing It)

[vc_row row_type=”row” use_row_as_full_screen_section=”no” type=”full_width” header_style=”” anchor=”” in_content_menu=”” content_menu_title=”” icon_pack=”font_awesome” content_menu_fa_icon=”” content_menu_fe_icon=”arrow_back” oblique_section=”no” oblique_section_top_and_bottom=”both” oblique_section_position=”from_left_to_right” text_align=”left” video=”” video_overlay=”” video_overlay_image=”” video_webm=”” video_mp4=”” video_ogv=”” video_image=”” background_image=”” pattern_background=”” section_height=”” parallax_speed=”” background_color=”” border_color=”” side_padding=”” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” color=”” hover_color=”” more_button_label=”” less_button_label=”” button_position=”” css_animation=”” transition_delay=””][vc_column width=”1/1″][vc_empty_space height=”25px” image_repeat=”no-repeat”][vc_single_image image=”389″ alignment=”center” border_color=”grey” img_link_large=”” img_link_target=”_self” img_size=”full”][vc_empty_space height=”40px” image_repeat=”no-repeat”][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]I’d like to tell you a story about a client of mine, who at first wasn’t clear that the world “leader” applied to him. He had a team of people at work who called him “boss,” sure, but that was all part of being a manager. More than what kind of leader he was, he thought more about controlling what people did and didn’t do, making sure they weren’t getting into too much trouble, and generally staying out of their way. Let’s call him Kevin.

 

Kevin was also the father of two young boys, and he and his wife had just uprooted their family to take this new position within a reputable healthcare company in the Midwest. What everyone saw when they looked at Kevin was all polish and friendliness – he wore polo shirts and matching socks and a big smile on his face wherever he went. You never heard a complaint out of him.

 

What people didn’t realize, which he uncovered through 1:1 coaching we did together, was that Kevin was wracked by anxiety and self-doubt. His persistent stories, ones he told himself on loop, were I can’t be a bother to anyone and I have to keep my boss happy at all costs, or else. How that played out was Kevin working very long days at the office, even weekends, often missing out on precious time with his young family while they were growing and settling into their new environment.

 

When his employees wouldn’t meet expectations, instead of having candid conversations with them about their performance so they could improve, he would brush it off in public and then lose himself in the wee hours of the night fixing their mistakes so his boss wouldn’t find out (or else).

 

When he felt his peer wasn’t demonstrating the organization’s value of teamwork, he internalized it and created fictions that it was something he had done, some inadequacy on his part, so he needed to work harder and be better. (None of which was true.)

 

Can’t we all relate?

 

What Kevin came to realize through coaching was that he had a unique perspective to share and that it was not only his job, but a great opportunity, to influence and lead his organization in a productive manner. This is in contrast to his practice of taking on other people’s dysfunction as his own. As his leadership voice clarified, Kevin’s anxiety diminished and his positive contributions to his team expanded. As he practiced various ways to communicate in those moments of challenge or upset or unmet expectations, he flourished and so did those around him. While his organization promoted him and acknowledged his tremendous growth as a leader over those 12 months, his personal highlight of that journey will always stay with me.

 

He told me, in a handwritten card some months later, that going through this process of discovering who he was as a leader and who he wanted to be not only helped improve his experience and results at work, it also made him a better husband and father. And, really, isn’t that the most important part?

 

Kevin is just like me and you. We all can easily forget how much we matter, how much we lead without realizing it, in those obvious moments and in between ones. Acknowledging our role, understanding more clearly who we are, and defining how we want to lead others is the work. And it is work so worth doing.

 

Some questions for you:

 

  • Where do you play small at work? Where could your voice make things better for people?

 

  • What stories are on loop in your head that diminish your sense of value? What would be possible if maybe, just maybe, those stories weren’t telling you the truth?

 

  • What do you need to feel safe enough to step out, to add your voice, to own your leadership?
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What Happens When The Disengaged Employee Is You?

Business minds have been talking a lot about “engagement” in the workplace lately. I’m sure each one of has brushed up against disengagement in one way of another. This is how Forbes wraps up Gallup’s latest survey findings:

Fewer than 1 in 3 (30%) of American workers are committed to the success of their organization and are engaged in their work. Over half (52%) are “disengaged”—defined as “less emotionally connected” and not willing to do any more than necessary to keep their job. Most alarming of all, nearly 1 in 5 workers are “actively disengaged”—actually against their organization, their boss or both.1

Yikes. As a business and community leader myself, this statistic is depressing. It tells me that we have a lot of work to do to activate the potential of those we work with and serve every day. A LOT of work.

It also strikes a chord. Deep in my gut, I know what it feels like to be on the other end of this data—the one in the room that is daydreaming of working anywhere but here, the one whose passions can never seem to be contained inside of a single job description. My business ebbs and flows with the seasons like all consulting firms do: sometimes I get antsy. When it’s slow, I get bored, feel underutilized, guilty for not working my tail off, and fall into a predictable funk. I want to contribute as much as I can, to do good work, like most people do. Yet, it is a rare scenario that every single day of our working lives will be purpose-filled and electrifying. Dammit.

So, when the disengaged person in the room is YOU, what do you do?

Here’s my way out:

  1.    Self-Reflect: For me, self-reflecting takes the form of journaling. When I sit down at my desk in the morning and realize I’ve got a huge “boulder” clogging my mind, I take a few minutes to write it all out, literally clearing the boulder out of my way. Sounds like a waste of precious time, but those 15 minutes are probably the most effective way to getting my head on straight and show up fully.

Self-reflection allows your struggle to express itself, even when your inclination is to struggle against it. Give it a voice on paper. Validate your experience and your needs. I promise that bringing light to what ails you will lessen its pressure considerably. Sometimes, we just need to be heard. Even if only by ourselves.

  1.    Connect with Your Gurus: My inner circle freaking rocks. When I notice my energy is apathetic or even angry at work, post-writing session, I immediately reach out to my most trusted personal friends and teachers. They may not know it, but I call them my “personal board of directors.” These women and men are people with whom I can fully express myself and know I’m safe. I can show them my ugly and they’ll still love me (a miracle, I know!). They my best interests at heart. They see my bigness, my heart, and my potential. Of course, they are much wiser than me.

Find your people who can give you the same room to learn. They will be your battery source. If you don’t have anyone now, that’s perfectly okay. Start looking for people you admire and trust, then cultivate a relationship. The best ones are mutually supportive. And they don’t happen by accident. Build your tribe.

  1.    Let Yourself Be Known:  Put yourself out there. Whether you will ride the wave within your current company or set your sites somewhere else, reaching out to new people brings fresh air into any situation. At one particularly stale point in my career, I decided to get involved in my community through volunteering. I’m now part of three incredible organizations that allow me to fulfill a need to contribute, while also putting me in front of a ton of strangers. These strangers, surprisingly, network for me! It’s incredibly energizing, and both my firm and I are reaping the rewards.

It all started because I put myself out there. I found something I was interested in, asked if I could help, and—surprise—I have a huge new community network that is satisfying my work and personal goals in unexpected ways. So, go surprise yourself. If there’s a nagging voice in your head to volunteer at a dog shelter, go do it! I dare you!

  1.    Take Care: When we’re unhappy at work, it can be a red flag that we’re not taking care of ourselves. For me, I get my tush into yoga class multiple times a week. (You should thank me for that; I’m much less crazy when I do). I will take some deep breaths in the morning before I get out of bed, rather than obsess over my iPhone first thing. I take long walks on my lunch break. Because when it comes down to it, I know that my number one job is taking care of ME: what else is possible if I’m in poor working condition? Nothing. When I’m in good shape, so is my work.

This doesn’t mean you need to go on a radical health kick. Just restore some balance in your life. What gives you energy and joy and peace? Do more of that. If baking cookies makes you giggle like a child, please, go bake! Find your happy. You matter. Your work (and your team) needs you to be well taken care of. And it’s not their job to do it—it’s yours.

If you’re disengaged at work, your LIFE is calling. Start listening to that quiet hum inside of you. Nurture it.

Resources:

  1.     Warrell, Margie. (2013). “70% Disengagement” – 3 Ways To Engage Those Who Aren’t. Forbes. Retrieved from:http://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2013/06/07/70-disengagement-3-ways-to-engage-those-who-arent/

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