Erin Rocchio: Executive and Team Coach

Thrive. Lead. Impact.

  • Explore
    • Who
    • What
    • When
    • Where
    • Why
  • About Me
    • About Erin
    • Mission. Vision. Values.
    • Causes
    • Testimonials
  • Services
    • Executive Coaching
    • Team Development
    • Enneagram for Business Leaders
      • Enneagram Circle
    • Speaking
  • Resources
    • Blog
    • Podcasts
    • Wholeness at Work Tools
  • FAQ
  • Let’s Connect
  • Wholeness at Work
    • Wholeness at Work
    • Wholeness Circle
    • Wholeness at Work Tools
    • Wholeness At Work – Corporate
    • Wholeness At Work Events

Power and Women and Work

There is this thing. The majority of the women I coach say this thing is a problem. Yet we’d all rather not talk about it. I even have clients who have become engrossed in legal battles centered on it. It can be devastatingly painful and can interfere with our work: it’s real and important. And, like any societal ill, we are made better when we address it.

The “it” or thing I’m referring to here is the aftermath of an excruciating loss or fracture of relationship with another woman in the context of work we love.

Here’s my story: I joined my firm when it was quite small. One of the early employees was a woman my age and for whom I was a peer. I worked hard to win her over. She didn’t like me at first, given I was the boss’s kid and all. I proved how trustworthy I was, how collaborative, how fair. I made concessions to make her feel good. I proved my niceness. And it worked for a while.

We became close friends. Yet there was always an underlying competition. Slow exclusions, distancing, confusion, unspoken and spoken upset. The more time passed, the worse the comparisons became. God, it was hard.

There was always a subtle (or not so subtle) sense of imbalance. The foundation of the relationship was a power struggle, a dynamic that dictated I had to vigilantly put myself down around her or actively lift her esteem up. On work projects, she began disagreeing with my suggestions out of impulse, struggling to reorient the power. I grew distant. Neither of us understood what was happening. And I’m positive I messed up a million times. I did the best I could and I know I failed her.

I have since learned a theory called “Power Dead Even,” by Drs. Pat Heim and Susan Murphy, as outlined in their book, In The Company Of Women. It explains the entire rise and fall of this fated friendship.

Essentially, the theory argues that every female relationship is contingent on the perceived power of each woman – if the power is not felt to be even (or made even) right away, your best friend can become your worst saboteur. [envoke_twitter_link]Female relationships only work when the power is perceived to be dead even.[/envoke_twitter_link]

In rare cases, the perceived power gap can be too large, where no amount of “evening out” is possible and the relationship will not work. This hinges on the second component of the theory – self-esteem. The self-esteem of each woman has to be reasonably healthy for these partnerships to have a chance.

Recently, I coached a first-time executive navigating a highly sensitive, personal, and power-driven relationship in her organization. My client’s good friend brought her into the company and initially they worked wonderfully well together as peer colleagues. Then, my client was promoted to be the other woman’s boss. (Gasp.) Immediately, the other woman felt threatened, angry, and upset. In this case, there was a legitimate tipping of the power scales based on level of authority. What’s more, each woman was working through her own issues related to self-esteem (as we all are, right?).

Given this dynamic, one that included a legitimate power gap, the ideal choice would have been for my client and her friend to adjust to the complexities of this new reality by:

  • seeking to understand how they could maintain a healthy relationship, at the office and at home;
  • building self-awareness, reflection, and empathy for the other;
  • communicating openly about their emotions, hopes and intentions; and
  • creating new norms for their relationship in both contexts.

In boss/subordinate relationships at work, managing Power Dead Even can be tricky given the very real power differential. I have found that those require additional attention, as you seek to build the relationship (trust) and performance expectations (clarity). Communication and transparency here are everything, as are numerous other skills I’ll save for a future blog.

Another colleague of mine is brilliant at navigating female relationships at work. Her secret? Appreciation and honor. She is constantly attentive to showing respect and appreciation for other women – visibly and explicitly – so that they know she is on their side, and she means it. In other words, she actively gives power away (or empowers others) in service of a longer-term vision, based on her core value of partnership.

When we look through the frame of Power Dead Even, we become conscious of those we align with and how we set up female relationships for success, especially in the workplace. It tells us we must come in with a “power offering” of sorts – a compliment, a smile, a vulnerability – so that other women know we are not a threat, and that we’re putting connectedness above competition.

When we’re no longer a threat, we can create the most fulfilling, expansive experiences. But we have to be mindful of ourselves, aware of how others perceive us, and intentional about how we engage with others to put the relationship above the task. This is really difficult to get right, but we can certainly commit to trying.

Coach Questions:

To understand this dynamic in your female relationships, recall when you last felt really secure and happy with a friend or work colleague.

  • What made the relationship so fantastic for you?

Now, what was that one relationship that still tears at your heart? (C’mon, we all have one.)

  • What happened?
  • Does Power Dead Even illuminate anything for you about what could have been at play?

Next, think about the female relationships at home and at work that really matter to you – the ones who matter to your success, but with whom you may not have cracked the code.

  • What can you do now to even out the power dynamic so that the relationship goes more smoothly?
  • What can you do to improve your own self-esteem or sense of empowerment?
  • What tokens of power can you “give away” to her so as to even out the scale?

Filed Under: Culture, Emotional Intelligence, Leadership, Teams

Don’t Call Me An Evangelist

I really love what I love.

And Appreciative Inquiry is one of those things.

I was researching master’s programs in Organization Development when I first heard about Appreciative Inquiry, or “AI”. [envoke_twitter_link]AI’s intent to take into account the whole human being, rather the BEST of what’s human[/envoke_twitter_link] – not just the stiff, working portion of us – in organizational life was very compelling to me. Turns out, the founders of AI, including Mr. David Cooperrider himself, base their research and teaching out of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. Intrigued and attracted, I naturally chose CWRU as the home for my graduate studies. (Lesson here: follow what attracts you.)

At Case, my deep dive into neuroscience, positive psychology, and organizational change was intense and identity rattling. Everything I thought I knew flipped upside down, my personal and academic sense of “the right way” got completely transfigured, and I came out the other end with a profound sense of humility and wonder.

I went through the keyhole backwards, as one my clients likes to say. Ouch. And, thank God.

Here’s what I learned from it:

Change – personal, organizational, cultural, ANY – can be messy as hell. A strategic, well-organized, thoughtful plan for organizational change is critical when you know it’s coming. Also crucial are leaders who actually want/need to see that change through.

In the past, leaders were told they needed a “burning platform” to terrify people into changing or improving their behavior. While that can work in the short-term (certainly lights a fire!), it burns people out and often breeds cynicism, distrust, and animosity, especially when the change isn’t followed through by senior leadership. This model left a lot of organizations worse off than when they started their change process in the first place.

Since the advent of Appreciative Inquiry, change leadership has woken up. We’ve woken up to the fact that we’re dealing with human beings, not widgets. Humans have inherent needs for hope, vision, safety, connection… Traditional change management doesn’t come close to meeting those crucial needs.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row row_type=”row” use_row_as_full_screen_section=”no” type=”full_width” oblique_section=”no” text_align=”left” css_animation=””][vc_column][vc_empty_space height=”20px” image_repeat=”no-repeat”][vc_column_text]AI is a whole system, strengths-based approach to change. It asks for all stakeholders to provide input and it infuses the changing culture with new levels of collaboration, creativity, and joy (yes, joy!) in the process; in doing so, AI honors the people involved in the process.

Appreciative Inquiry rests on ten principles, all of which are supported by ongoing research. The fundamental premise of AI that speaks to me so deeply, though, is its belief that:

 

All organizations have something that works, something that is going right, and something worth valuing.

How transformative would all aspects of our lives be if that were the perspective we carried with us?

By inquiring into the domains that are working well, a group of people can learn about how those unique strengths came to be, what keeps them alive, and how they can generate more of them in support of what they want in the future. In other words, by studying what we already do well, we create more of that positive asset.

AI also asserts that the more practice building an appreciative intelligence a team or community gains, the more collective energy and capacity they’ll build into their organization. With vitality, energy, and inspiration comes engagement and long-term performance. Hoorah!

Last bit on this: while big growth can be inspiring, it also can be painful, especially when we’re challenged to give up how we’ve always thought or behaved. As a result, most of us tend to lose steam and quit before it’s over. Management lore has it that 70% of all change efforts fail.

With Appreciative Inquiry, the system itself is building energy around a shared vision so “buy-in” and external “motivation” aren’t needed. The system itself and the brilliant people in it are bringing their current reality closer to where they want to be, especially when the vision is something about which they care deeply.

How? By focusing on their strengths and building from there.

So, why do I evangelize AI when clients come seeking growth, change or “fixing”? Because it works. Because it feels so much better to be a part of. Because the results last.

Can I share with you two “the proof is in the pudding” bites? To be honest, I haven’t finished writing up the official case studies but the stories are too good to keep to myself.

  1. Last spring, my team and I were invited to support a highly productive fundraising organization as they coalesced around a new mission, vision, and values (MVV). They wanted to break down their ultra-siloed divisions into “one team,” unified and supportive. Their goals were huge, mirroring the effort and vision required to transform the organization at large.

To get to the most meaningful and relevant MVV, we needed an AI Summit. My team brought together 300 staff members from across the whole organization and spent two full days discovering the unique values and strengths they collectively shared. In the AI Summit experience, the client converged on an identity, a purpose, and a vision based on who they were at their best, who they wanted to be in the future, and how they would achieve it.

Led by 30 highly committed, energized Design Team members, this organization is still in the process of bringing their shared vision to life. They have recently instituted a new training and development “academy” based on the specific desires their team members shared (goal: continuous learning & retention). We’re also currently working on integrating MVV into their HR and performance management systems, so they’ll be hiring, rewarding, and measuring their people on what they say matters most.

  1. In the second case, the client is a highly specialized hospital unit delivering care to a critical patient population. The department has struggled with rapid growth in staff, leadership turnover, and cultural “mischief.” Pre-AI, my team and I utilized an engagement survey to gather baseline cultural data. We then delivered four, one-day AI Summits so all care providers (physicians, nurses, specialists, etc.) could participate in the process.

What I’ve seen thus far: the very acknowledgement that everyone’s voice matters here was revolutionary, especially in an industry where hierarchy reigns. This democratization process, if you will, has been shocking to their system and is causing quite a stir (mostly very positive, especially to those with a stake in the department’s future). However, in a fragile ecosystem like this one, more remains to be seen. For this deficit-oriented group to stick with a paradigm shift of this magnitude it will require an intentional tapping into of their natural resources and feeding it back to themselves. Wish us luck.

We’ll circle back to these clients and I’ll look forward to sharing long-term data with you soon.

Filed Under: Appreciative Inquiry, Culture

Who We Are

  • Mission. Vision. Values.
  • Team Development

Info

  • About Erin
  • Testimonials

Let’s Connect

  • Contact Us
  • Blog

Erin Rocchio

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Wholeness at Work

  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn

© 2021 · Erin Rocchio · All rights reserved · Privacy Policy